Roller Coaster
I have asked myself several times over the past few years how my children's lives would have been different had Chris lived. I will never be able to answer that question, but I remember thinking the first time I saw David toss Lily high on the tree swing behind his house that life for them has suddenly become a lot more fun. Being raised by a terrified female and her parents has not exactly encouraged risk taking in my children. As I have said in previous posts, losing someone in such a sudden way as I lost their Dad coupled with two of the children having epilepsy has lead to just a little over-protectiveness on my part. Not that I did not fight it, I have grit my teeth on several occasions and let them stretch their wings all the while enduring my mom's concerned face probably because she watched me endure great loss before and does not wish to repeat it.
Praise in the storm
Nicholas informed me Saturday that he does not believe in mother’s day. He said “the mother’s have the children and it is their job to care for them, whats the big deal?” Stacy responded, “Nick this is not like Santa Claus, you can’t say you don’t believe in it, its mother’s day, deal.” I would be more offended by my son’s comments if I was not aware of his propensity to say outrageous things just to shock people. Paying him no attention I repeated to them what my expectations were; that they would help me get the house picked up and the laundry done so that I didn’t have to do housework on mother’s day and that we would go to church together, and here’s the kicker, the church would be David’s church. This was not the first time this was mentioned mind you, but the first time I made them sit down and listen so I could be certain they heard me. Teenagers, I am coming to understand, know much more about how these things should go then adults, so predictably Nick told me that he thought maybe it is just a little early in the relationship for that. That was when he pulled out the not believing in mother’s day, if he does not recognize it then doing something special for me is not his responsibility.
Read MoreCrazy Friends
The beginning of any relationship tends to be rather inwardly focused and ours has been no exception. Even given the complexities of our lives, and perhaps because of them, we have been focused on having time alone as a couple to figure out our feelings. Lets face it at the beginning of love it is the beloved we want to be with most of all, it is difficult to see or think of anything else. But time has passed and David and I have entered into a new phase of our relationship; we are now in business of meeting each other’s friends and family. Given how long we have both been on the planet, that is a lot of people. Some of the meetings are happening in person, others are the start of virtual relationships. I told him the other night that I thought we should make each other books with names, pictures and a brief sentence about the connection, David suggested that perhaps Nick could help us out with a few power points.
Read MoreMoment by Moment
I have relived the days of April 30 – May 1 2007 hundreds of times. Partly because I was struggling to make sense of them myself and partly because as the only adult witness to much of what went on I was the logical go to person to explain how a 41 year old man could suddenly drop dead in the middle of the night. It was hard at times to hear the inquiries not as inquisitions, especially since I was second guessing myself, what did I miss? How could this have happened? And then there was the matter of about 7 minutes of time missing from my memory. I remember calling my friend Stacey and the next thing I remember was her appearing in front of me. I know I called my sister, left a message for another friend and had some kind of conversation with Nicholas, but I honestly have no memory of having done any of that. The most troubling to me was the conversation with Nick because I have no memory of what I said to him, but at some point he brought me Lily who had woken up. I struggled for a year to try and remember that moment and as I did there was one moment that continued to run through my mind, so many times that I begged God to explain why and to please make it stop.
Read MoreSunrise
People have commented that I often begin my blogs with a story from the past and looking through them I can see they are correct. I guess for me in order to make sense of the present I need to first look at what got me here both physically and emotionally. There is a big difference between being stuck in the past unable to move forward and being aware of its impact on who you are today. I know because I was the former not so long ago. I heard a sermon by a guest preacher sometime in the fall of 2010 that was on healing. I was not in a good place that Sunday, was not even sitting with the congregation but was in a chair, alone, up against the wall. I barely made it through the sermon without running out of the service. “Healing”, I later wrote in my journal, “is for other people, my wounds are too deep and too ugly to heal”. Funny thing is, God took my writing that as an invitation, because I can see now that it was a turning point for me.
Read MoreJoining the Disney Villians
Chris and I were 20 when his mother died. I was staying with his family at the time as Chris and I had just started our summer jobs on Cape Cod and my parents had not yet moved into their cottage. That night I threw convention out the window and refused to leave Chris, holding him while he fitfully slept. The next morning his dad acknowledged it by saying to me, “Sometimes the marriage starts before the wedding”, I don’t remember responding other than to have hugged him, but from then on there was an unspoken reality between us that someday I would become Chris’ wife.
Read MorePerserverence
Teenagers are not the best communicators in the world, until it comes to getting something they want. Suddenly they will show amazing perseverance as they make their case to their parents like a seasoned trial attorney wearing us down minute by minute. When that teenager has OCD (obsessive, compulsive, disorder) a simple request may just turn into an out and out campaign. Nicholas wants an apple macbook, I mean Nicholas REALLY wants an apple macbook, whats more he can not understand why he can’t have one. He also wants an iphone and a PS3 but his desire of the moment, a macbook. He can extol its virtues and give several valid reasons why he needs one. His mom being a public school teacher will not be buying him one anytime soon and has tried to make that clear, but still the campaign continues. Having not gotten through to me in his usual ways, he has decided to create a series of power point presentations which outline his reasons for needing a macbook and even how I can afford to buy to him one. Rather than continuing to nag me he simply sets up the powerpoint and and then takes off upstairs waiting for my reaction.
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